Without my consent

How many losses can one person sustain in a year? Maybe that sounds dramatic to you but I reject dramatic, a word attributed to my highly sensitive nature, and substitute deeply in touch. Yeah, I know there could be more losses, and maybe will be. I know others have lost more and I see them and I grieve with them. We’re not out yet so a cancelled cycle is a bump in the road, but I am looking into the eyes of reality. 

The reality is that this may not work. We may be done soon. We are doing only one retrieval cycle because we are trying to not empty savings and I know my partner worries about my well being, watching me burnout was scary. It is hard on him too, as it would be on any man, whether they feel free enough to admit it or not (I hope they do). I am just so tired. 

I have been so acutely aware that I may not get a “last baby”. We expect to have all the children we decide to have with one being the “last baby”. We prepare and make arrangements in regards to the last baby. We treasure each moment knowing it’s the last. We get our hearts ready to close the baby chapter of our lives. That is the expectation, the plan. During this entire process, I have believed, it will be hard but we will walk away with our “last baby”. Our cycle being cancelled is reminding me that I may not have a choice. Celebrating my last baby may be taken away from me. 

The reality is that I may never get to feel life inside me again. I may never have the excitement of hearing another heartbeat. I may never have another anatomy scan. I may never again reach the brink of exhaustion that we call labor only to pull from some ambiguous depths the strength to push. I may never again hold my breath while waiting for my brand new baby to take their first. I may never again have a tiny life crawl up my belly for their first latch. I may never have another breastfeeding/bodyfeeding experience. I may never wake up to tiny cries knowing I am the only thing that can bring comfort. We may be done having babies. Without my consent. I hardly even had a chance. 

We are trying for one more. We are hoping and praying that happens. I’m not ready to close down my uterus just yet, at the same time, I have to start preparing my heart for another break. 

I think that’s all I can emote for today and I won’t be apologizing for not being a force of positivity, this is my current reality. (I wrote this while feeling ovulation pains)

About mama@heart

After 3.5 years of infertility, we were beyond thrilled to discover our last IUI had been a success! Our RE called it a miracle but we knew it was divine. Now I blog about motherhood after infertility. We practice attachment parenting with a focus on natural and gentle methods. We babywear, cloth diaper, advocate for breastfeeding and many others. I hope you enjoy.
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2 Responses to Without my consent

  1. sarav90 says:

    Praying for you, Hannah! I know I don’t have the same situation as you, but my heart hurts reading this. The feeling of being done when you are still longing for more is a terrible pain, and I pray that God would give you the desires of your heart.

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