I did not sleep great. Of course. It was probably just as much the fact that I was in a strange bed as it was that I was anxious. I woke up before my alarm and waited until it was an appropriate time to wake up my partner. We got ready, packed and headed out. I did not get to eat breakfast, which if you know me, know that I get hangry. Once we arrived at the clinic, everything went pretty quickly.
We were very soon swept away to a private room set up like a living room rather than an exam room so it was very comfortable. The nurse assigned to me came in and talked to us about the procedure, post-op and what to expect. We signed the consent forms and I was taken back to a bathroom area to be weighed and change into the robe they provide. I was walked back to the operating room and met with anesthesia there. I was very concerned that I would need to take out my nose ring which is only about 3 or so months old and would definitely hurt to move around too much. Fortunately when I asked the anesthesia nurse, he said it was fine and they could work around.
There was some fighting with my veins to get the needle for anesthesia meds in and ultimately they had to go through my hand. Which if you haven’t had before, if probably one of the least comfortable places for an IV but it did the job. I met the doctor and embyologist before they let me know it was time to administer the IV meds. I always enjoy that moment when anesthesia first hits and I feel sleepy. I get good naps when I have procedures.
If you want to know what egg retrieval looks like, check out the video. Basically there was a long needle on a transvaginal ultrasound wand and all of that goes in and the needle goes through the vaginal wall and finds my ovaries.
When I started waking up, embryology was there to give the report. “There were no eggs” They checked every follicle and each one was empty. No eggs. The end of the road. We had already planned that this was our only go because of money (even with insurance) and headspace. If we had unlimited funds, I would probably keep trying after a break. We don’t. There will be no Evan Joseph or Eliana Jane.
So now we will be processing and grieving and looking up cool locations for a family of 3 vacation spot. I’ll be researching what other holes and ink I want to add to my worthless body until I maybe like it again. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to pregnancy and nursing and all those newborn things. I know I cherished it when J was a baby but that was as firsts. I didn’t know I needed to remember them as lasts too. I wasn’t ready.
As we work through this difficult time. I wanted to give a few reminders. Humans are so inclined to help, we need to fix. There isn’t anything to be fixed. You may feel inclined to say something to try to comfort us that won’t feel as comfortable as you had hoped. We won’t be “just adopting”, yes we are glad we “at least have one”, and while nothing is impossible, please don’t suggest it can just happen on it’s own. We each have a factor and I cannot live in a constant limbo of is this the month? It’s not.
There is no reason this should have happened and yet we are here. Life. Things happen and there may not be a reason. If you would still like to pray, pray for peace.
If our feelings of grief are causing you discomfort, please stay there. You don’t need to say anything. Just exist in this space with us.