Grief is a weird process. It gets easier and harder as you move beyond the initial event. You grow to accept the reality of what has happened and yet the gravity doesn’t seem to ever to fully land. There is also no formulated path that must be journeyed to reach healing, the road is chaotic and winding. We like to say there are 5 stages of grief and you might move through them in this manner but that’s a pretty basic summary as the reality is much more complex.
As I have moved through this process, I have gained acceptance that we are done having babies. There’s nothing I can do to change my body or circumstance and for my own well being, I will be moving forward in acceptance. Truthfully, I’m mostly okay. There are a lot of things that can have closure in anticipation of the fun that is big kids. There is more freedom in big kids and I certainly have always valued my autonomy. Big kids have independence and skills that babies simply are not capable of having and with that comes a parental exhale.
So while it will always hurt, it is a fixed point in my timeline. What I keep coming back to and hurts the most is the absence of choice. There is so much power in having control over what happens to and inside our bodies. The choice to reproduce or not is well within that powerful range of control. To have choice over the comings and goings of your body, is to have sanctioned ownership over that same body.
So what happens next when that ownership is ripped away? How do you navigate within the body that has been stripped of choice? I don’t think that answer is straightforward either.
There are many choices I can make about my body. I can decide how to care for it, how to decorate it, how to use it, who to share it with, where to take it and how it is perceived by me. I can’t make it fertile. I can’t force it to make age appropriate ovum or enough estrogen. I have no control over those systems in my body.
I don’t handle having no control well. I like to have a plan and know what’s happening. My plans have plans and those plans have back up plans and the back up plans have back up plans. Staying in presumed control is staying safe.
This? There is no back up plan. Perhaps if my goal was acquire children, there would be but that is not my goal (and this is not the post for why but I digress). My hope and desire was to create and carry another life and I simply cannot no matter how hard I try.
So I merely exist in a world where my body is sterile. For now, existence is enough. It’s all I can do. So I will do it the best that I can… and that changes every day. Grief is weird.